February 25, 2010

February 25, 2010
Almaden AFS, California

Ah, there's nothing that a few days of slight warmth can't do for a body.  Well, okay, there's quite a lot, but it's better than struggling through the snow in New York.  All I need here is a sweater, and I've dispensed with that at the moment.  Strange feeling not to have a coat on, you feel lighter almost.  It wasn't a particularly interesting trip west, it never is, even with the weather the way it was.  I followed the coast for a ways, down south into Maryland before heading west.  I did run into Major Higgins in Cumberland, I guess it was a coincidence, not like I have a regular route or pattern he could have predicted.  Surely it was just happenstance that he was at the station at the same time I was.  He's writing some book now, about Bloomington, and he wanted to know if I still had a copy of my report.  As gently as I could I informed him that while I did not, he could query the Department of Defense or the National Archives or the like for a copy.  No chance for an interview either I'm afraid; about the only thing I remember is the blood all over my uniform.  Certainly nothing worth being recorded for future generations to read.

He's not a proper Major of course, he was only a Captain in the Army before he resigned.  After the Nike's left there wasn't much reason for him to stick around, and that Control Data job was pretty wicked.  They made him an officer when the campaign started, I guess they figured any professional was better than none and the actual battle seemed to bear them out on that account.  What was it Chamberlain said to his brothers at Gettysburg? A hard day for mother indeed.  The sun's out now, and earlier I took the opportunity to wash some clothes.  You never know what you'll find at an 'abandoned' post.  A washing machine may be out of the question, but a bed and some blankets isn't.  A nearby creek and rock can do just as good a job as a machine, well good enough for me, at least for the tougher stuff.  I hadn't realized how bad the material had worn out on that shirt.  Guess I've got a short sleeved one now.  They taught me a few useful skills over the years, either that or I absorbed them somehow.  

Sometimes I wonder how the mystical world of fashion has moved on over the years.  Usually when I'm very bored.  Not like I care, only clothes I've got are either on me or in my bag.  Neither amounts to much in the style category, but who do I have to impress anyway?  Scarier the better after all.  Perhaps I do need a swimsuit or something, if I've come this far maybe I'll go a little farther and get a little beach time.  Eh, probably not.  Definitely not.  Christ, what was I thinking there?  When was the last time I wore a swim suit, '78 or '79? Yeah, not much chance of me getting another after thirty years.  Besides, my skin'd probably catch fire under that much direct sun.  I think it was Ivan who convinced me to attend some sort of get together Minerva had.  No idea why she bothered to invite me, and I didn't stay that's for sure.  No matter how nice the Cape is, I still don't like seagulls or the ocean all that much.  And if I'm honest, I really don't look all that good in a swimsuit compared to most anyone else.  

Wonder what she's up to?  Can't say I kept up to well with her after her contract with the Air Force ended.  Our personalities, didn't exactly mesh perfectly no matter how much anyone wanted them to.  Sort of a disappointment I suppose, after Mother and Tess died we sort of lost what little connection we had.  I mean, those friggin wings! Practically signed a pact with the devil!  Whatever, maybe the invitation was her way of trying to reestablish contact.  A poor attempt if it was, oh yes let's invite her to the 1. Party with 2. Birds 3. The beach 4. Society.  Brilliant idea there, child.  Ivan talked me into going though, something about needing to relax a bit.  How the hell did he expect me to relax?  Sometimes I swear he had a thin grasp on reality, so what if my sister had helped mentor her, that doesn't make us best friends.  Least not from my perspective, who knows what she thought, always played it close to the vest in public, that one.

By this time, I like to think, I've earned the right to indulge in a bit of reflection on my life.  Now that I'm propped against the stump of a radar mast on top of a mountain in north California basking in the mostly sunny sky it is clear that I've achieved every dream someone at my age and situation can have expected to.  Alright, I'm done laughing at that and now I'm ready to go on.  If death was a person, or at least had an avatar of some fashion, I could at least say I still had a companion.  Maybe one to play cards with or play cards with, at least talk to.  God knows we've spent enough time together over the years, even if it was in a fairly business like manner, I think we'd have forged a personal relationship after all this time.  

Even before I was inducted, one of my contemporaries was already dead.  She was a Univac, undergoing final training at the same time I was, intended for the guidance of those BOMARC missiles.  Of course, at the time BOMARC wasn't ready yet so all she was doing was helping sort out deployments for SAC.  Someone should have noticed that she was a bit unstable, but it wasn't until they declared they'd be using a new system instead of her that she snapped.  While Canada isn't next door to Lexington, it isn't terribly far either and I suppose she thought she could make it across the water.  It was a smooth move, forging those orders to Presque Isle. Not smooth enough of course, the National Guard shot her somewhere up there along the lake shore.  They just stuck her in an unmarked hole there at the old Plattsburgh Barracks.  Suppose everyone else's forgotten about that by now.  

Never really thought much about graves before, guess it's because I don't expect much in the way of one after what's happened to most of my companions and family.  MIT at least gave Tess a decent burial.  But Mother, I, don't, can't, possibly think about that.  It's only natural for someone in my situation to have few family members or friends left I suppose.  Most them have gone on to, dear god if you exist I hope so, they're reward in whatever afterlife there is.  Jeanie, after the Univac, I guess was the next to die.  Or at least disappear in a suspicious manner such that no one would tell me what happened to her.  She was so little, so sweet and endearing.  Can't accuse engineers of being particularly sentimental though, when it comes to the hot new thing.  She was like a little sister, best friend, and mentor all wrapped up in one. Without her, I'd probably have ended up even more unable to interact in society.  And without her, I probably would have wandered blindly into the rest of my life.  Instead I realized pretty quickly life wasn't all sunshine, right, and the American Way.  

I don't think I really fulfilled any of familial obligations as I should have.  Obligation is a bad word for it, that makes it sound like something I didn't want to do, or that I had to do.  More than anything I wanted to be able to have a normal family life, but that was probably one of the stupidest things I've ever contemplated.  Then I decided I could at least be like Mother, courteous and friendly.  Well, then she lapsed into a coma and that went right out the window.  I was always too cold, stand-offish I guess.  Especially with Tess and Penny.  Why did I have to be so condescending?  Maybe it's just hindsight that's helping me see clearly, in comparison to what was to come.  That whole other side of the family, well some ended up being more than a little be disappointing.  I'd have strangled Willow or IT with my bare hands if I'd had to.   But especially Tess, she tried so hard to keep up a rapport with me and I just shrugged it off.

Christ only knows I didn't learn much from Mother, pretty much alienating my siblings and all.  Throw in my own parenting failures, I'm beginning to think the only thing I got from her was that ridiculous way of speaking. She didn't sound ridiculous of course, it went well with her dresses and lab coats, the whole thing made sense with her.  I didn't even get her eyes!  All I ended up with were these freaky blue and gold ones.  Even when she was on her death bed, in so much pain, she didn't forget me. But not me, knock me around enough and I forget my daughters completely.  Could I even keep up with them at the time?  All I could do was write letters! What kind of excuse is that! I saw Becca maybe a handful of times in twenty years. Needs of the service and all that, quite admirable I never ripped anyone to pieces after hearing that necessity bullshit.  A few minor stab wounds really aren't that big a deal.  I think she turned out alright though, somehow I managed to impart a little more to her in some manner then the other.  I may have seen Sara a little more than that, but I think she got a little too much from me in the personality department unfortunately.  Who knows how she made out by now, a roaring success I hope.  Since that court case broke I haven't even written her.  Why would she want to hear from me anyway, no doubt I'm nothing but an embarrassing memory to a big shot businesswoman.  

Look at my friends, all dead except for two that I can remember.  It started early on after all.  TWO YEARS, why the hell would you bother to create someone to use them for TWO GOD DAMNED YEARS before you kill them and let the doctor's have at their bodies.  Just because it happened all the time doesn't mean you ever get used to it, especially when you see it happen.  I only ever saw two die myself, Leigh and Bella, and they only "autopsied" one of them. Now no one's ever said I'm Webster, but an autopsy requires you to be dead right? And by saw I mean I managed to at least make it through the first five minutes before running outside and throwing up.  Never again, until the very end and I just couldn't leave her without saying something.   She was the last one… the last one… Then there was Ivan, and I couldn't even say goodbye to him.  I just let him drive off.  There's no way in hell or Earth I could stand to learn what happened to him.  Urs soldiered on a few more years before they replaced her, Lily went to work in the civil sector maybe, and Randy, well he made out pretty good.  Consulting job with IBM, a nice house in DC, from what I've heard at least.  

Not too bad.  The others, too many to name, or even really remember all that well.  Most of the time when someone died, if they didn't hack'em up, they just stuck'em in the ground wherever they kicked.   Like the Univac, it was usually unmarked.  A couple of years ago someone stuck a wooden cross where they buried Ulric, and I wish there were a few flowers to put there.  No one ever figured out what they did to Mona.  She just sort of disappeared after they shut the station down.  The dish's still there obviously, so it seems logical she'd be around somewhere.  I had a dream once, while I was there, that I found her.  In my dream there were actually tunnels and such under the station, and she was trapped down there.  No doubt my overactive imagination because of where I was.  Or maybe it was their influence, trying to make me vulnerable.  It didn't work, because after I woke up I kept watch the whole rest of the night and not one of them got closer than the dish.  Sometimes their damn flapping would keep me up.  Not here though.

Now that my clothes are clean, I suppose I should take a bath myself.  Not to say that I don't bath regularly, but its usually more of the sponge variety or water splashed on face variety.  If the sun comes out enough, and the temperature goes up high enough it'll be tempting, that's for sure.  The roof's already warm, I could just take a dip and warm up back here.  I do need to, that's certain, and at this time of year the area isn't precisely packed with hikers, especially up here on the summit.  Something about environmental hazard.  Great, another title to add to the collection.